Eat Your Hearts Out
Forget LeBron and Wimbledon and all the baseball being dished out to us over the long weekend. The funniest story of the July 4th holiday was the Coney Island hot dog contest.
I always thought this thing was supposed to be tongue — or is it food? — in cheek, anyway, but now it has even outdone itself.
Now it’s like a Saturday Night Live skit come to life.
Did you catch what happened? Apparently, Joey “Jaws” Chesnut chowed his way to his fourth consecutive championship by downing a zillion dogs or something to win a “mustard” championship belt and $20,000. But that’s not the best part.
It seems that his biggest “rival” — is the WWF listening here? — Kobayashi crashed the party but wasn’t allowed to compete because he refused to sign a contract with Major League Eating.
Wait, wait. It is funny enough that there is an actual organization called Major League Eating. Here’s what I want to know: Is there a Minor League Eating?
And if there is, can’t you just hear a scout calling in his report on the latest hot prospect? “Yeah, Boss, this kid in Akron, he’s got all the right jaw moves, you know? I mean, he can down dogs with the best of ’em. But he has some trouble with pizza. Especially the pepperoni. It really slows him down for some reason. I think we should sign him, but he probably needs to start out in the minors.”
I love the nicknames, too. Joey “Jaws” Chesnut. That’s beautiful, but it makes you wonder what might come next . . .Sammy “Slobber” Schultz? Or Danny “Drool” Desmond?
The crowd was really into this thing on Coney. Kobayashi was so intent on getting his chance to make the biggest slob of himself he actually wrestled with police and was eventually arrested.
The fans didn’t care. They were too busy chanting “Free Kobi” . . .”Free Kobi” . . .
Really, I’m not making this stuff up. Couldn’t you just see the whole routine on Saturday Night Live? Too bad the late John Bulishi isn’t still around. He would have made a great Kobayashi.
The actual Associated Press report read this way: “Several security officers tried to usher him off. He grabbed a metal police barricade with both hands, clutching it tightly as the officers pulled at him. Finally, they dragged him down the stairs, with Kobayashi resisting vehemently.”
Ah, yes. You can have the fireworks and the parades and the barbecues.
For me, “Jaws” and Kobi chowing and protesting in front of an energized crowd and national TV cameras.
That’s what America was really about on this 2010 4th of July.
— Steve Bisheff